MOSES ON MOUNT SINAI

A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Mount Sinai....

G: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!

Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside....

G: Ah, do whatever you want....

THREE MEN

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

THE JEWISH MATCHMAKER

A Jewish matchmaker singing the praises of a female client, brings an eligible young man to see her. He takes one look at her and turns away to whisper to the matchmaker.

"You said she was young, and she's 50 for sure...You said she was beautiful, and she's ugly as sin. You said she was shapely, and she is big enough for two, you said...."

"You don't have to whisper," says the matchmaker, "She's also hard of hearing."

A JEWISH COW JOKE

It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study. "Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?"

The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow," he replied.

"That's too bad. A cow has fallen into the lake and she's going under," Moshe continued.

"Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time, without looking up from his studies.

"Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly lost now. I feel sorry for the beast."

"Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do?

"And I feel sorry for you," Moshe said.

"Why me?" said the rabbi looking up.

"It was your cow."

DON'T LIE TO A JEWISH MOTHER

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Debbie, was.

Mrs. Goldstein had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Debbie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.Goldstein started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Debbie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother, which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,

Mom

Lesson of the Day .. don't lie to a Jewish mother

A ROSH HA'SHANNAH JOKE

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus macht du... Yeah, du... outside, standing like a putzel... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (**), and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing.

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset as hell, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

AN AMERICAN IN ISRAEL

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver: "Listen", he says,"when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in G-d's name, are you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"

ISRAELI CABLE TV

An Israeli called the veterinarian, "Doctor, you've got to come right over! My pet dog just ate the TV remote control!"

"I'll be right there."

"Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime?"

The vet said, "Read a magazine."

THE YOUNG JEWISH BRIDE

A young Jewish man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

THE JEWISH DIAMOND RING

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant Jewish woman wearing the largest, and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

AT THE TAVERN

Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and yells:

"Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."

Moishe spun around quickly and whispered, "Shhhh..... it's tomorrow!!!"

THE JEWISH MOTHER

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

THE UKRANIAN ANTI-SEMITE

A Ukrainian merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train. And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian anti-Semite is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way, your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

THE JEWISH PILOT AND CHINESE CO-PILOT

The pilot was Jewish, and the copilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Jewish Captain finally spoke. He said: "I don't like Chinese."

The Chinese copilot replied: "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"

The pilot said: "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. THAT'S WHY I don't like Chinese !"

The copilot said: "Nooooo, noooo ...Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbah, not Chinese !"

And the pilot answered: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're All alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the copilot said: "I no like Jews."

The pilot replied: "Why not? WHY don't you like Jews?"

"The Jews sank the Titanic."

The pilot tried to correct him: "NO, NO !! The JEWS didn't sink the Titanic, It was an ICEBERG !"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no matter ... ALL THE SAME !!"

IF YOUR COMPUTER WERE JEWISH

1. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

2. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt".

3. "Year 2000" problems are replaced by "Year 6000" problems.

4. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".

5. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

6. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me! You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".

13. When running "Scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

A CLINTON-BARAK JOKE

The Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Barak, is visiting his friend, U.S. President Bill Clinton, in Washington, DC.

In classic Clintonian style, the U.S. President offers a gift to his guest. "Here you go, Ehud" says Bill. "Try out this shiny new Cadillac. It's their finest model."

"Thank you, Mr. President, but I cannot accept this magnificent gift," replies the Prime Minister.

"Oh. I understand about gift limits. I understand the problems you are having in Israel with your non-profit associations. Ok then ... give me a half dollar for it. Then it won't be a gift," replies Clinton.

The Prime Minister gives Clinton a dollar.

"I don't have any change ... too bad" says the President.

"No big deal... you'll just give me two Cadillacs" retorts the Prime Minister.

THE ISRAELI TAXI DRIVERS

Two Israeli taxicab drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

A LESSON IN FOREIGN POLICY

When the Pope visited Israel in March, 2000, he was taken around by Prime Minister Ehud Barak. They visited the Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem and Ehud showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which was snuggled up next to the lion.

The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophecy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?"

Ehud Barak replied, "It's very easy. All the lion needs is a new lamb each day!"

THE ISRAELI MAILMAN

A family just moved into a new apartment in Israel and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant's mail to their address. Hoping to resolve the situation, the husband enlarged their name on the mailbox, but the mailman still kept giving them the wrong letters. Finally, they left a note telling the mailman that he was delivering the mail incorrectly.

The next day they checked the mailbox to find this addition to their message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You're just living at the wrong address."

THE ISRAELI POLICE RECRUIT

An Israeli police recruit was asked during the exam: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

THE ISRAELI TENANT

An Israeli man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly, "Many a night they stomp on the floor and shout till midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, because I usually stay up and practice on my drums till about that time almost every night, anyway."

JEWISH WIVES

QUESTION: How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?

ANSWER: They put them in the car .

A JEWISH HUSBAND JOKE

QUESTION: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?

ANSWER: The Dead Sea.

THE ISRAELI AMBASSADOR AND A PASSOVER STORY

At the emergency meeting of the UN, the floor has been given to the Israeli Ambassador.

The Israeli Ambassador began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you...

When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen ... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."

Yasser Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me begin my speech..."

A RABBI ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE CREW

NASA had sent many many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, color and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy, so they invited, a priest, a minister and a rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle.

Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions. First the priest emerged, beaming and happy; his statement was full of joy.

He said, "It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans."

Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth, our home. I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe."

Then the rabbi came out. He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his keepa was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine.

They asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?"

He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy? Oy! Every 5 minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the tfillin, off with the tfillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Gevalt!!!!!!"

KING SOLOMON

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

THE RABBI'S ADVICE

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

THE JAPANESE TOURIST

A tourist from Japan is walking the streets of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks:

"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"

"You found Pearl Harbor. Find Bloomingdales!"

THE KNESSET MEMBER

"Four years ago, my cousin ran for the Knesset."

"What's he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected..."

THE ISRAELI WORKER'S UNION

A certain Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.

"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd.

"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."

"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."

"Hooray!"

"We have a 150% pay rise."

"Hooray!"

"We will only work on Wednesdays."

Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER

A man from Tel-Aviv dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here". The man says, "No problem, I'm from Tel-Aviv".

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100 degrees Farenheit, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Tel-Aviv man to see how's he doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine, "No problem! It's just like Tel-Aviv in June", the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150 degrees Farenheit and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how he's doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem! Just like Tel-Aviv in July", the man says.

So, now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200 degrees, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken off his shirt. Otherwise, he seems ok.

The Tel-Aviv man says, "No problem! Just like Tel-Aviv in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and this time turns the temperature all the way down to MINUS 150 DEGREES!

Immediately, hell freezes over! All the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland! When the devil goes back to see how the Tel-Aviv man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down and cheering in obvious delight.

The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Tel-Aviv man replies:

"The Palestinians have finally kept their obligations! There's true peace in the Middle East!"

MOSES

And Moses looked upon the lord and said:

"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

THE OLD JEWISH LADY

There is an old Jewish lady watching a MPAA screening where they rate movies. She is screening this old remake of a Roman movie. In the middle of the movie there is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to lions.

She presses her buzzer and says that the movie should be rated "R" because there are Jews getting fed to lions.

The manager says, "They are not Jews, they are Christians."

She says, "Ok."

They keep playing the movie. A few minutes later she presses the buzzer again. This time she says, "That lion, over there, is not eating!"

THE POLISH-JEWISH GRANDMOTHERS

Two elderly Polish-Jewish grandmothers met at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Jake died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

THE RABBI'S ADVICE

A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks: "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

TECHNICAL TERMS

QUESTION:

What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?

ANSWER:

A girl.

MOISHE AND THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT

Moishe is being interrogated by the Russian Government:

Government. official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"

Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."

Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"

No reply.

Government official asks the question again. And still no reply. Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"

Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics - do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee - float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

SHORT SUMMARY OF EVERY JEWISH HOLIDAY

They tried to kill us.

We won.

Let's eat.

THE CROWDED CAFETERIA

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat And Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Moshe said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

MANDELBAUM AND ROSENSTEIN

"Mandelbaum and Rosenstein were talking one day..."

Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

THE ARAB AND THE LITTLE OLD JEWISH MAN

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

JEWISH DANCING

A couple preparing for a religious conversion to Judaism meets with the Orthodox rabbi for their final session.

The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No, definitely not."

"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi.

"Why Not???" asks the man.

"That could lead to dancing!"

THE BURGLARS (A Joke)

Mr. and Mrs. Shoenfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Shoenfeld hears a noise downstairs.

"Wake up!" cried Mrs. Shoenfeld, nudging her husband. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight!"

"In that case," said Mr. Shoenfeld. "I sure hope they don't die in the house!"

MR. COHEN'S DILEMMA

Mr. Cohen goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. We have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab,the samples from another Mrs. Cohen were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Cohen: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Cohen: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But your medical plan won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.

Mr. Cohen: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Brooklyn. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

NEW WORDS TO ADD TO YOUR JEWISH VOCABULARY

1. JEWBILATION: Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

2. MATZILATION: Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

3. BUBBEGUM: Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

4. CHUTZPAPA: A father who wakes his wife at 4:00a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

5. DEJA NU: Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face before but not knowing exactly when.

6. DISORIYENTA: When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER: A Gentile messenger.

8. JEWDO: A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

9. MAMATZAH BALLS: Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

10. MEINSTEIN: - slang. "My son, the genius."

11. MISHPOCHAMARKS: The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

12. KINDERSCHLEP: To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

THE MATCHMAKER

The shadkhan goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Cohen, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Shadkhan.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good," said the shadkhan, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

SIX JEWISH GENTLEMEN

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when one of them loses $500 on a single hand and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, they complete their playing time standing up. Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws, and Goldberg who is always a loser picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! I'm the most discrete guy you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name. Leave it to me."

He goes to the apartment, knocks on the door, and the wife answers. Your husband just lost $500."

She hollers, "HE SHOULD ONLY DROP DEAD!"

He said, "He did!"

A GEORGE W. BUSH Jr. JOKE

George W. Bush Jr., in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George Bush approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George B. and stared at the ceiling.

George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George B. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

THE JEWISH MOTHER

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said: 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.

'Force yourself,' she replied.

THE SOUTHERN PARTY

A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep American south wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls.

She calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds 'Don't send any Jews!,' to which the General after a pause answers 'OK'.

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five big BLACK Army officers.

'There must be some mistake,' she mumbles.

'No mam,' answers the Black captain. 'General Cohen never makes mistakes!!!'

THE HASIDIC JEW

A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

MEALTIME

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

A KUPAT HOLIM JOKE

An Israeli man goes to his doctor for a problem he is having. After the doctor examines him, the doctor says:

"There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, Kupat Holim policy says that all you need to do is rub this tube of salve, which costs 14 shekels, on your chest."

THE JERUSALEM POST

The obituary editor of the Jerusalem Post is not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you calling from?"

AN ISRAELI ARCHEOLOGIST JOKE

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."